I often tell people travelling was probably the most special thing that has ever happened to me because I had no expectations from it, I was going alone for the first time and I was scared But what I experienced was death and rebirth. I’ve had a recurring dream of dying. And then experiencing the aftermath of death. Or rather put it, the feeling of not feeling anything Ever since I was 6 years old That dream has haunted me.
I have always imagined death Not as a dark room I am going to be locked in after my time here I’m.. I’m okay with that Put it rather that I imagined being completely dissipated. A state of not me. But in this process of self discovery, I realized that what I was truly afraid of, wasn’t death. What frightened me was not being able to think thoughts.
Thinking is an extremely compulsive activity. Once you are taught how to think, you just can’t stop. I realized that I have never truly stopped thinking in my entire life. It’s a drug I just didn’t want to lose the ability to think. If I stopped thinking I’d stop existing. This is the only thing that gave me power over life. This is the only thing this universe doesn’t have control over. The universe can give or take away anything from me, but not this. Yet again, all I am is a slave in its entirety. But as theatrical as it may seem, this one experience changed it all.
Travelling is a process of internal self discovery just as much as it is an external physical one. It is the best investment you can make. You are investing in yourself. You see, the only real way to know yourself better is by looking into a mirror. You can’t read yourself directly. Nature prohibits it. The same way how you’ll only ever see projections of your image, you can only view projections of who you truly are through the natural world.
You see who you are on the outside through mirrors, or glass. To see who you are on the inside, you have to interact with the natural world. It could be through mountains, grass, lakes or even people. And travelling.. does exactly that. You are the biggest mystery You’ll ever find One thing I became okay with, is the process of being completely blank. A state of not thinking. The process of overcoming it, is the worst mental pain you could possibly imagine.
It is the closest your mind gets to losing itself within itself. Like an endless limbo. It just gets worse and worse and worse until that one point.. when it doesn’t. I did die in a sense though. My ideals, my beliefs, the very matter that made me.. ME Changed I had to leave behind who I was told I was, to take the first step towards finding out who I am. It was an aggressive regeneration in the most literal sense. Nothing can change you except an experience.
It is the most powerful governing force. My experience brought me to the conclusion that I don’t have a country. This universe is my home and I haven’t seen all of it yet. I am not a foreigner no matter where I visit. And most importantly It ended my childhood nightmare. It made me ready to face the long dreamless night. A true traveler!